“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
-Neil Gaiman
So Jelly Bean (JB) just left. Through a series of fortunate events, she was able to spend about 27 hours with me here in New York. She arrived in the afternoon, we played some playstation Karaoke and drank tequila, had a very fancy dinner, saw a beautiful muppet musical, came back to the apartment and stayed up until dawn writing poetry and enjoying the company. The next day, we had lunch across from the museum of natural history and afterwards took my Vespa out for a tour of Manhattan. Just randomly meandering the city always reminds me how beautiful it is out here. Stopped for a coffee and a walk around Union Square. It rained off and on a little bit, but it was more than tolerable with JB on the scooter, keeping me warm, safe and impervious to rain. Then we came back, had some drinks, had a good talk, played some cards. And like that... as abruptly as she appeared, she was gone.
Since I was a kid, I've wondered about what it is that made people miss each other. I remember as a freshman in college, I once went home for the weekend. Upon coming back to campus a girl I knew asked me if I missed her while I was gone. I thought about it for a moment and then lied to her, saying, "Yes, of course." She was a little bit upset about the pause I think.
I never used to miss people. Maybe it was something to do with ego. I felt like I was the star of my own life with an interchangeable supporting cast. Definitely, there are people that I like. I enjoy spending time with my friends. I really do. But for the most part, even now; out of sight, out of mind. (if you're my friend, and you're reading this, i assure you; i don't mean you) Occasionally though, there are those in my life who when they are gone, I feel the ache of lacking their presence. I really couldn't tell you what it is about certain people that does this.
I miss JB.
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you give them a piece of you. they give you a piece of them. and suddenly, you are forever connected. you are not whole without this connection. and while it sounds like a lack of yourself, it is, in fact, a beautiful thing.
ReplyDelete"and when i said, when i said i'd take it, i meant as is"